Ash Wednesday Eve (Fat Tuesday (Super Fat Tuesday))

Well tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. I played with the ashes tonight ... trying to make sure we had the right mixture of oil to ash (the oil just helps it stick to foreheads). The ash is jet black and looks like solid smoke on my forehead. Is my life on fire or is it burned out? Some of both when I am honest. Some of both when I take the time to look close.

If God took the dirty earth and breathed life into it to create our ancient father, then maybe there is hope for the blackened ash in the hollow places of my heart. The only thing more lifeless than dust is ash.

I don't feel that black most of the times ... most of the time I think I am doing pretty well. I honestly am looking forward to my fasting and slowing and focusing so I can see the black parts a little better.

I am trying an interesting fast this year. I continue with dropping sweets and alcohol and snacks (the first I use for escape, the second for celebration and the third for boredom). None of those things I want to distract from facing my sin and mortality as I look upon the death of Christ. But I am also fasting from reading books.

I got the idea from Lauren Winner in her book "Girl Meet God." By the way, that is the worst title ever ... so misleading! It is an amazing book and probably the most literate and honest conversion story I have read. But she is a big reader and her priest challenges her to give up books for lent. I read that at a time where I felt quite overwhelmed with an overstrong desire to consume books. I literally am reading at least 10 different books and don't have any plan for why or which one when. And on top of that 50 more get stared at each week because I can't wait to start them. But worse than all that is that when I don't know what to do with myself ... when I don't want to pray ... when I don't want to think or write or do some financial planning or whatever ... I just read one of the ten books I have going.

So Lent will be a time for me to put all those wonderful people and their published thoughts aside too see what happens if I only have myself to live with. And of course ... it isn't just myself ... it is my family and God and the Bible ... etc. I am looking forward to the change.